Within the male species lie several subspecies. Some are at the top of the food-chain while others are filthy bottom feeders, the lowest on the totem pole. Today we will be discussing a subspecies so perverse and unrepresentative of the male species that many attempts have been made to sever all ties and end the embarrassment which they have cast upon us. This has proven difficult given their clingy ways and incessant need for attention so they remain a sect that is not oft spoken of within the male species. I feel a duty to expose these effeminate bastards once and for all, hoping to either embarrass them into hiding or scare them into adopting more masculine ways. This sub-species I speak of is the guy who is dying to get married. It makes no sense. It should be noted that I think getting married is wonderful, having children and settling down, all great stuff, if you meet the right girl and it happens. But these morons run around looking for a wife like they have a biological clock. This isn’t 1842 where midlife is 22 years old. You have some time, why are you going nuts looking to settle down? Not to mention, looking for a girl to marry this hard will almost guarantee you end up marrying the wrong person. Think about it this way. There are a few billion people on earth. One of those people is going to be the closest match for you in every way. Do you think you’re going to find that one person by looking? And likely looking within your town and the towns on either side of you. What are the odds of you finding the perfect woman within an 11 mile radius? This is something that you need to let happen on its own, organically. If it was a less serious decision, I’d say knock yourself out but you’re talking about the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with, have standards. I actually came in contact with this subspecies and he managed to walk amongst me as a normal man until he began to reveal his true colors. I noticed that he began to show me pictures of him and the girl he was dating not followed by the statement, “and she gave me the best head of my life right after we took this picture.” He was showing them off with a twinkle in his eye like a proud dad showing pictures of his newborn son. I also noticed that he was constantly talking about quiet towns where he would like to live while I was talking about what I like a chick to wear while I’m boning her. This was all very strange but I knew something was truly awry when I had been present from the inception of one of his relationships. Three weeks after he started dating some chick he was talking about catering halls and how much it costs per person and per plate. My head almost exploded. It clicked that he was dying to get married and he had all the traits of not just a woman but a needy, clingy, nagging woman. I’m 31, why the hell are you talking to me about catering halls? Unless, there’s a google of naked women inside said catering hall waiting to sex me lifeless it could burn to the ground for all I care. I was truly disgusted by this and almost had a brain aneurysm when he told me I needed to hurry up. Why did I need to hurry up? Was my sperm going to swim away? Was I going to start menopause and nobody told me about it? This was the most abhorrent conversation I had ever had and I once purposely had a conversation about things that are abhorrent. Listen up marriage boy, stop saving up for kids you don’t have and investing in low yield mutual funds and buy a Ferrari because God knows you’re not gonna get laid with the current pair of balls, or lack thereof, that you’re currently working with. You’re an embarrassment to decent men everywhere who want nothing more than to have anonymous sex, drink scotch, and eat really big sandwiches.
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