Being a man is a lost art. Real men existed all throughout history and started rapidly dying off in the 1970’s; maybe it was all the disco music. By the 1980’s, the idea of a real man was some abhorrent mixture of qualities that manifested itself in the character of Gordon Gecco in Wall Street. By the 1990’s people played with computers way too much which automatically took them out of the real man’s race. And in the 2000’s, well, let’s just say that real men are few and far between. There are about six real men left and of those six men probably ninety percent are old enough to remember the 1950’s well. So in this age of video games, texting, cybersex, and striped button down shirts I am attempting to let an entire generation know what qualities it takes to be a real man. Most of you who are reading this are probably asking yourselves, “Who the hell is this guy to tell us how to be a real man? He didn’t graduate from Harvard. He’s not important at all. What an idiot, he can go to hell.” Those of you who are saying that to yourselves will also likely stop reading this article on sporadically to check in with your internet “girlfriend” from Idaho who you’ve never met that is likely an older gentleman with an affinity for knitting. Those of you who aren’t lost causes will realize that we as a gender have a lot to work on. Let’s look at today’s businessmen compared to those of yesteryear. John D. Rockefeller controlled all of the oil in the entire country. Mark Zuckerburg, with the aid of the internet, a tool that allows you to have any possible information one can think of in less than one second chose to use his genius to develop a platform where friends can constantly be in touch with each other so nobody will ever have to wonder again what their great Aunt Beatrice had for lunch or what their co-worker Brad though of Miley Cyrus’ performance at the MTV awards. Such pertinent information might be glossed over in that old way of communicating known as a phone call. Need I say more or should I continue with the examples? Moving on, let’s talk jeans. They should never be so tight that wearing them can also serve as a vasectomy procedure. But sadly, this is the case for many men. In the rest of this article and in future installments I will continue to insult many of the things, you reader, hold dear to your heart. I will insult groups of people who are decidedly not real men. I will insult places and things. I will insult ideas. But I insult because I care and I want you to be able to hold your heads high amongst men who know how to change a tire and don’t have to “direct traffic” while their girlfriend does it. Let the games begin.
Many are thinking it, few are saying it. Hipsters suck. I often tell them to their face. What are they going to do? Beat me up? They’re hipsters for Christ’s sake. Hipsters have replaced what were known as beatniks in the days of yore. The difference is that at least beatniks produced some pretty impressive works of art in many mediums. Hipsters, as far as I can tell, serve no purpose whatsoever unless annoying the bejesus out of me can be considered a purpose. For those that don’t know what a hipster is it’s a person that comes from wealth yet hides it by living in what used to be a tough neighborhood but thanks to fellow hipsters following suit, as they do, is now a haven for weird bars where you sit on milk crates and listen to music that nobody really likes. Hipsters can also be identified by their thrift shop clothes, their very filthy and unkempt appearance, and an arrogance that can be seen from many miles away. A hipster’s main goal is to go against mainstream culture in any way they can despite the fact that their rich daddies deposit ten grand a month into their bank accounts so they can keep buying old looking clothes and drinking craft beer until the cows come home. They listen to crappy music, watch crappy movies, and eat crappy food just to be different. Even in their own hearts, they know they don’t enjoy these things at all but the appearance of them liking them makes them seem different so they keep up this charade. Many hipsters are usually educated so it surprises me that they can’t figure out that if a huge number of people are all desperately trying to be different that means the whole group of them are exactly the same. Everything they do is a charade. For example, they go to Yoga classes like it’s their full time job, oh wait, it is their full time job because they don’t work, they spend all of their parent’s money on organic vegetables which they carry in a reusable bag, yet they spend many a weekend drinking entire bottles of scotch, using recreational drugs, and eating questionable food from carts. If you’re going to be healthy then be healthy. But do not mask your three days of life draining activities with four days of pretentious food buying and yoga. Oh and by the way, yoga isn’t a workout. I don’t care how much it centers your chi. You can do yoga until whatever shitty industrial DJ you listen to actually becomes famous, that’s never, and you won’t have an ounce of muscle on your body. Pick up a damn weight. It works. They even try to fight science! Let’s address the music because this is a big part of being a hipster. Hipsters insist that the worst music in the world is absolutely amazing. They can be heard saying something like this, “dude, I’ve been listening to this awesome group. I can’t even put them in a box. It’s like they’re creating their own genre man. It’s a DJ with one turntable, a trombone player, and a deaf guy dancing. Dude, incredible.” Said hipster will go to every show they perform, follow them on every social media site, and yes, even wear the band’s t-shirt. If by some miracle this group becomes famous the hipster will immediately stop liking them and say things like, “dude, their earlier shit was so much better. They sold out. I don’t even listen to them anymore.” With regards to music, hipsters can also be heard saying some of the most ridiculous things ever uttered by man. One of those ridiculous things is, and mind you this is a conservative take on many similar comments I have personally heard, “man, all I hear about is the Beatles, who cares? That was like a hundred years ago. Beatles, Beatles, Beatles, it’s like get over it already. They’re so overrated. It disgusts me how these sheep just swear by the Beatles. Their music sucks.” Michael Stipe, you should also pay attention to this. Are you people insane? This is the point where you stop disliking hipsters and start to want to physically harm them. The Beatles have sold two BILLION albums. Do you realize how insane that is? Two BILLION people liked the Beatles enough to spend their hard earned cash on their albums. Are we to assume that two BILLION people have horrible taste in music or that hipsters are so enlightened that they are above what we, the sheep, consider to be good music? Don’t get me wrong, popularity does not equal awesome. We’ve seen this proved time and time again but it’s the damn Beatles. Listen to Eleanor Rigby, Paperback Writer, I Want to Hold Your Hand, are you weirdos kidding me? What’s next? Does Michael Jackson suck? The Rolling Stones? Did Whitney Houston have a horrible voice? Does Eminem suddenly suck at rapping because he’s sold 70 million albums? Shut up about it. You’re insane and I know many of you must listen to the Beatles in secret. Sometimes hipsters don’t even dig deep enough when looking for their esoteric music at a second hand record store and bust out a gem like this, “hey have you guys ever heard of John Coltrane or Miles Davis? They’re off the chain.” Um, you failed on this one pal. These guys are like the Lady Gaga and Justin Timberlake of Jazz music. Everybody knows Coltrane and Davis. You better get on Craigslist and try to buy somebody else’s weird used tape and vinyl collection. And speaking of Craigslist, can you hipsters please stop going on the “Missed Connections” section of the site? Seriously, it’s pathetic and I don’t understand why you are the only people who insist on using it. Chances are the girl you were looking at was a hipster too so I’m sure you’ll run into each other since you all hang out at the same weird places. Plus, if a real man was struck that hard by Cupid’s arrow he would have talked to her or if he couldn’t get up the nerve he would spend all night prepping and hope to see her on the train the next day (on his way to work, if you hipsters don’t know what that is, it’s a place people go where they serve a purpose somewhere and get paid to do so and they use the money they earned to purchase goods and services) and he would politely ask her out. If she said yes fantastic, if she said no, that sucks but oh well, life goes on and there are plenty of fish in the sea. At no point would this process require an internet connection. Have a little dignity hipster boy. She probably wouldn’t have liked your weird handlebar mustache anyway. My message to you is this Hipsters. Society has its problems but it ain’t so bad. Not everybody and everything in it sucks. There are many fantastic people walking around. There are tons of musicians, artists, actors, movies, plays, and other forms of entertainment that are good and popular so stop torturing yourself and exposing yourself only to this tiny little section of things where stupid glasses and Pabst Blue Ribbon reign supreme. Get out there and experience life. Listen to some Jay-Z. Watch the Godfather. Find a production of Death of a Salesman instead of paying to get into an off, off, off, off, off Broadway production of a “play” that is really just a hermaphrodite on stage reading her diary to an ostrich. There is no deep meaning in that. I promise you that. And I know that deep down inside of you there must be a real man just waiting to get out, one who plays basketball, and doesn’t read the “Feminine Mystique”. Go buy a new shirt, one that has a collar. Get a shave. Do things normal people do. If you need to stand out that badly get a French cuff shirt that requires cuff links. That’s a way to be different in a classy, non-shutting yourself out from everything because other people like it kind of way. Hell, your parents might even start inviting you over for Thanksgiving again once they find out you no longer spend 90% of your time in a bike shop. While I do hate you I say these mean things because I want to help you. I want you to do better. I want you to go on a date that includes dinner and a movie instead of an intentional walk through a bad neighborhood to prove how hipster-y you are. I want you to go to a bar that has stools and hell maybe you’ll even eat a normal vegetable, a tomato that doesn’t cost twelve dollars a pound perhaps? Reading this is your first step towards becoming a man and I commend you for that. Now pop in that Beatles vinyl (that is cool) and get on with life.
Article By: Jon DaBove