This weekend you’re going to hear lots of people wax-poetic about golf, so I thought I’d balance things out a bit. This is the time of year when lots of men huddle around their televisions to watch other men chop a tiny ball around a giant park and try and get it into a tiny hole. This insufferable group of people has two things in common: they are all white males, and they will all inevitably use the word “tradition” 867 times while watching. The tournament lasts four days, and nothing eventful ever happens. The winner gets a green jacket, and is featured on every sports show in existence for about a week until everyone goes back to not caring about golf and completely forgets who he is. “Who won it last year?” will also be heard at every viewing. Augusta National is a club of the 300 whitest douche bags in the universe, who naturally convene to play golf a few times a year. You can’t buy tickets or “members badges” because they have been passed down by families for generations. Augusta hasn’t sold new ones in almost 50 years, save for a few they sold for inordinate prices a few years ago. Even if you do have a friend in this club and go with him to The Masters, you, like a dog in a park, cannot be left unattended. If you are found without your member friend you are asked to leave. So most likely you will have to settle for Jim Nance whispering on your T.V. like the rest of the riff-raff. You’re not allowed to wear your hat backwards and there is absolutely no running allowed anywhere on the grounds. The last time I heard a statement like that it came out of the mouth of my junior high school dean. Oddly enough, Mr. Dorney the dean was fond of wearing golf-style plaid pants even though it was clearly the 1990’s, but that’s a story for another day. The point is, golf fans are all similar to junior high school deans in plaid pants. Women are not permitted to play golf on this course. Sure, this is ‘Merica and any club is allowed to ban anyone they want. As disgusting as the KKK might be, it is their constitutional right to freedom of assembly. Augusta however, is a club of especially crotchety old men and they have gone so far as to ban female journalists from certain parts of the course. Just like overzealous police officers, there are lots of tiny dicks among the membership ranks at Augusta. To compensate, they started allowing black men to play in 1990. During one of my favorite George Carlin bits, he says that if you add up the acreage of all the golf courses in America, it would equal two Rhode Island’s and a Delaware. Turns out he was a little off, but not by much. With all the inequality and joblessness and homelessness in this country, how much land do cock-sucking white rich folk need to compare how small their cocks are? Couldn’t this country use that land in more practical ways like for affordable housing? Could there ever be a leader, like say a president who actually understood the plight of minorities and the poor, who would try to encourage these people to use land like that in more pragmatic ways? A few weeks ago, President Barack Obama gave a speech on inequality in America, and then played a round of golf on a billionaire’s private course. If there ever was a clearer picture of the blissful ignorance of the average American, it is of him watching The Masters, and pretending he is part of the club.
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