For nine seasons, Michael, Dwight, Jim, Pam, Angela, Oscar, Kevin, Meredith, Creed, Phyllis, Stanley, Ryan, and Andy entertained us. They made us laugh and they made us cry. The relatability of the show made viewers form a strong bond with the characters as we could see aspects of our lives in the show. Who didn’t sit on their couch, glued to their TV wishing that Jim and Pam would get together and who didn’t tear up when they finally did? Who didn’t wish that Michael would find the love of his life? The Office is one of those shows that becomes a part of your life and while it made us experience many different emotions, what it did most was make us laugh, mostly uncontrollably. With that said we have compiled some of the funniest quotes ever spoken on The Office. Was it that you say about putting this list together? Was it hard? That’s what she said.
I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
-Dwight Shrute
I have been Michael’s #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you’re going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
-Dwight Shrute
It’s performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don’t really know what to expect.
-Pam Beesly
Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just… let it go. And walk away. And they’re done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesn’t translate.
-Michael Scott
When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
-Dwight Shrute
Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special, baseball cap on backwards, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like ‘yo, that’s shizzle.’ Okay. Now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
-Michael Scott
I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, “Fleece it out.” “Going Mach five.” “Dinkin’ flicka.” You know, things us Negros say.
-Darryl Philbin
Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
-Dwight Shrute
I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.
-Dwight Shrute
Once I’m officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
-Dwight Shrute
So Ryan got promoted to corporate, where he is a little fish in a big pond. Whereas back here in Scranton I am still top dog, in a fairly large pond. So who is the real boss? The dog or a fish?
-Michael Scott
Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don’t sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I’m trying to make.
-Michael Scott
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like a compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
-Michael Scott
Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I’m not superstitious, but I’m, I am a little-stitious.
-Michael Scott
Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can’t do things. “You can’t be on the team”, “You can’t move on to second grade”. Well, now they’re telling me that I can’t win back clients using old fashioned business methods. We’ll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class.
-Michael Scott
Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding.
-Andy Bernard
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went; I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.
-Michael Scott
Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them or he quits them because they are unfair.
-Andy Bernard
“I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose, and a panther.”
-Dwight Shrute
“I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.”
-Dwight Shrute
“Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.”
-Dwight Shrute
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
-Dwight Shrute
“As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out she was. With a couple of guys actually, so mystery solved.”
-Dwight Shrute
“Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They’ve got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho. And you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then, suddenly she is not your ho no mo.”
-Michael Scott
“Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced so he’s really not a part of his family.”
-Michael Scott
“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”
-Michael Scott
“I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’ve been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin’ for a bruisin’ for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin’.”
-Michael Scott
“I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie; this is just one of them.”
-Michael Scott
“Hi. I’m Michael Scott. I’m in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I’m also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, “If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.” And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.”
-Michael Scott
“Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.”
-Michael Scott
“If this were Russia, yeah sure, everyone would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she would ask you what you wanted and you would probably say freedom, at which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore.”
-Michael Scott
“Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three.”
-Michael Scott
“Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.”
-Michael Scott
“Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.”
-Michael Scott
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
-Michael Scott
“You cannot take the hilarious black guy from the office. Stanley is part of what makes this branch so extraordinary. The bluesy wisdom, the sassy remarks, the crossword puzzles, the smile, those big watery red eyes. I don’t know how George Bush did it when Colin Powell left, and if Utica thinks that they are going to poach Stanley, they have another thing coming.”
-Michael Scott
“People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.”
-Dwight Shrute
“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”
-Dwight Shrute
“In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!”
-Dwight Shrute
“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”
-Dwight Shrute
“Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”
-Dwight Shrute
“Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.”
-Dwight Shrute
“In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.”
-Dwight Shrute
“I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for “Grizzly Man” and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that’s the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.”
-Dwight Shrute
“Am I going to tell them? No, I’m not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.”
-Michael Scott
“People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono, uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it’s, um, it’s really beyond words. It’s really incalculcable.”
-Michael Scott
“When I retire, I don’t want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: “Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?” “Umm, well, uh, I don’t know. It was anonymous.” “Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!” “But it was anonymous, how do you know?” “Because I’m him.”
-Michael Scott
“A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin; I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.”
-Michael Scott
“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me, and since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.”
-Michael Scott
“Last week I would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, “Uhh no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”
-Michael Scott
“You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards when they’re acting retarded.”
-Michael Scott
“There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, “what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?” He said, “If I’m dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.”
-Pam Beesly
“No one, uh asked you anything ever so whomever’s name is Toby, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull?”
-Michael Scott
