When you’re at a bar or club it’s no time to show how responsible you are. It’s time for one thing and one thing only, being an ass. Tell your friend who is giving you judgmental stares and telling you things like, “hey bro, maybe you’ve had enough”, to loosen his panties a little and chill. We spend our whole lives trapped in a cubicle next to a fat, poorly adjusted, middle aged man named Barry doing tasks we could not possibly care less about for a paycheck that makes us cry when we look at it. Do we not deserve six hours of debauchery per week? With that being said, we have to make it count. There are ten things that should happen on a drunken night on the town and if they don’t you’re doing something very wrong.
1. You should drop your phone in the toilet. If this doesn’t happen it means you’re level of inebriation is dangerously low. Put down the Midori sour Sally and get a drink that’ll put some hair on your chest. If that phone isn’t in the toilet in one hour you can just turn in your cock and balls at the front desk.
2. No night is complete without accidentally hitting on a transsexual. Keep in mind that no physical contact should be made at all but you should be so drunk that you can’t notice the ladyboy’s gargantuan Adam’s apple. You will proceed to tell her how gorgeous she is until your best friend tells you that your new crush is the proud owner of a pair of hairy boys. Crying Game crisis averted and all is well with the universe.
3. You should make out with any and every chick you see that is willing. Some will be cute and some will be atrocious but it needs to be done. You need to make out with these girls in fairly rapid succession because they won’t want to make out with you if you’ve already kissed 11 other chicks. The general rule I like to stick to is that you should have made out with at least two girls by the time the clock strikes midnight.
4. When you’re outside smoking it is your duty to start very personal and possibly inappropriate conversations with the other guys who are smoking. The topics should include your family life, past regrets, your ex-girlfriend, and the time you cried after sex. The other guys will be drunk as shit too so they’ll have some stories of their own.
5. Start throwing money around like John D. Rockefeller. Leave a 20 for every 8 dollar drink. Start ordering ridiculously rare single malt scotches that you’ve never even tried but remember seeing an ad for in GQ. Give that guy in the bathroom with the cigarettes, mints, cologne, and condoms a twenty spot. If you haven’t purchased a bottle of Cristal by 1 then you obviously don’t know what you’re doing.
6. No night of good, old-fashioned fun is complete without a public sex act. If you decide to make out with one chick for an extended period of time this should make it easier. You should attempt to get to get her to step outside and give you a tuggy in your car. Don’t drive? No problem, the dance floor and dark corners in the club will also work.
7. This obviously only applies if you’re at a karaoke bar but if you are then you better karaoke your ass off bro. What better way to spend a drunk evening than rapping along to Big Poppa followed by singing Taylor Swift’s, I Knew You Were Trouble and choking up because it makes you think of your ex-girlfriend who is now dating a competitive bodybuilder? Asians own a lot of Karaoke bars so you should hook up with an Asian broad as well.
8. There should be a scuffle at some point in the evening. Seriously, is life worth living if you can’t have a good old fashioned bar brawl once in a while? Are we not men? Forget about the people staring and judging. Sometimes when somebody is disrespectful it’s only right to straighten them out. My last almost scuffle was with a morbidly obese kid who denied my handshake after I apologized for bumping into him. Fat bastard.
9. It’s not a choice but a responsibility to hit on every woman with a pulse that isn’t related to you. You shall have zero standards whatsoever. You have to find hotness in every chick, which shouldn’t be hard since you should be 462 sheets to the wind. You have carte blanche. There are no requirements or rules of etiquette here. Go up to a girl and ask her if you know her from somewhere. Ask her if you’ve ever fucked her if you feel the urge. It’s your night buddy. Make the best of it.
10. Your whole week is spent lying to yourself, telling yourself your job isn’t that bad; the chick you’re seeing isn’t that ugly, etc. In order to have a successful night on the town there should be lies in abundance. Tell the bartender you work for NASA. Go up to a group of chicks and start telling them about your stint in prison. Lie to your friends; tell them you recently sold your movie script or that you’ve taken up race car driving. One of my personal favorites is to go up to ladies and tell them I own the bar we’re in. What the hell do they know? This is very liberating and it is a must for a good night.
Article By: Jon DaBove
