For some reason, when a man is a big deal in high school, his life seems to take one of two very distinct paths. The first path is a continuation of his high school glory and success. He’s the big man on campus in college, gets laid a lot, ends up working in finance, and marries a former NFL cheerleader. The second path finds him as the assistant manager of the pet food department at Wal-Mart. It’s a strange phenomenon but it happens every single day. It’s usually related to a lack of good grades or a complete inability to stop acting the way he does. What’s cool at 16 doesn’t pass for cool at 25 or 30 and that is why you should never, ever be “peaked in high school guy”. I mean think about it, it’s really, really sad if the best years of your life were from 14 through 17. You shouldn’t peak in college either but at least you get a degree out of that which might prevent you from being a cashier at 37 years old. To peak in high school means your life is all downhill from there. That’s a long time to be a pathetic has been. Like I stated earlier, you’ll usually find him working a terrible job in his small hometown. He’ll be married to a girl who was hot in high school but started rapidly declining the day after graduation. By the time she’s 27 she will have reached Jerry Springer guest status. The guys he refused to speak to in high school due to their lack of “cool” status are now his best friends because they never left town either. He keeps them around as lackeys and he also needs them because talking about his high school glory days aren’t as fun if he was the only one who was there. Most stories begin and end with, “Remember back in high school”. This guy loves talking about high school while his buddies cheer him on. He talks about the chicks he banged, the pranks he pulled, and there’s usually one main event he really focuses on a la Al Bundy scoring four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High. This guy’s lack of interest in the present makes his life extremely shitty, I mean if you don’t tend to a plant; it’s going to die right? He still goes to high school football games and acts as if he’s a part of the team despite being 39 years old. While at the games he’ll often be heard saying things like, “Man, if I was still playing we’d be state champs”. At the end of the day, “peaked in high school guy” has very few pleasures in his life other than talking about high school and drinking a case of Schlitz every night. The only thing that can breathe life back into him is if he has a son whom he will relentlessly ride and torment in order to live vicariously through him. The son will go to MIT and become a world renowned scientist while his father maintains his position in the pet food department at the Wal-Mart. Sad. Don’t be that guy.
Article By: Jon DaBove
