Every man, at some point in his life, has been with a woman who treats him badly on a regular basis. She picks on everything he does, doesn’t talk favorably about him to others, acts as if his opinion doesn’t matter, etc. For whatever reason we end up staying with her too long. We know she’s terrible, we hate her, but yet we continue to stay. We know we’ll break up with her at some point but for whatever reason we put it off and those reasons could include laziness, complacency, fear of change, and a long list of other possibilities. But there comes the day when we decide to let her go. Doing it fast and easy, like ripping off a Band-Aid is one way to go but remember, this woman has made your life a living hell. She puts you down, laughs with her friends about you, and treats you as if you’re not a real man. She’s taken advantage of your desire not to get into a screaming match every 30 seconds. So, I say to you my friend; don’t make this break-up easy. She’s put you through the ringer and made you feel awful about yourself. Make this thing stretch baby. After you’ve made the decision to break up with her, make the next 2-3 weeks of her life a living hell. Here’s how you do it.
1. Insult Her: Walk into a room casually, look at her, and say, “Damn bitch, that ass is getting too fat. You might want to reconsider that brownie. Just sayin’.” Walk out of the room very nonchalant as if you can’t even hear her reply to your insult. It will drive her absolutely insane and likely be the beginning of a lifelong complex. Chalk one up for the man.
2. Act Completely Inappropriate around Her Friends and Family: Attend family functions after having just smoked a joint of serious sticky and walk in taking a sip from a flask. Stuff your face and talk to her relatives about your sex life with your soon to be ex. Give her mom a pat on the ass and ask her brothers if they want to go to a strip club later. If it’s not a family function and it’s a night out with her friends then hit on every one of her friends. When you’re done with them, move on to other girls in the bar or club. You should be very wasted, which I think goes without saying. You should also rap along with songs and put emphasis on the lines about coke and hoes.
3. Be Completely Ridiculous During Sex: Most girls who are terrible girlfriends tend to be selfish prudes. When you’re on your way out the door, make sure to be totally insane during sex. Talk extremely dirty but nonsensical at the same time. Say something like, “Yeah ho, you love when I put that Terminator all up in you, don’t you?” or “Oh girl you wanna get that big, fat ass spanked hard don’t you? I’m gonna put my Nacho Libre mask on in a minute.” This will annoy the bejesus out of her and will be just awesome for you.
4. Treat Her Like She Treats You: After a half hour long conversation about what to have for dinner, you guys decide on Chinese. Order pizza and when she asks why just shrug your shoulders or say you changed your mind. Don’t give an explanation. Tell her that your best friend’s girlfriend works out way more than she does and she should go to the gym more often. Tell her you read somewhere that by her age she should be much further along in her career. This is all golden and will drive her up the wall.
5. Pull The Trigger On The Break-Up: Ironically, even though you’ve been treating her like crap, she’ll probably be more attracted to you than she ever was after these couple weeks of torture. This is the only step in which you should show maturity. Tell her that you want to be with somebody who respects you and you honestly don’t think she’s a very good person. Let her know you can and will do better and this is her loss and not yours. Tell her she brought this on herself and she will never be able to make anyone happy as long as she keeps acting like she does. Be very calm during this conversation and when you’re done walk out. You’ve likely caught her off guard and you’ve left her with some food for thought that is likely to gnaw at her. Walk out and never have any contact with her again no matter how many times she texts or calls. You’re a free man again. It’s a good day.
Article By: Jon DaBove
