Just in time for tax season there is a new phone scam in which some silly hucksters are calling people claiming to be the IRS and telling them they owe back taxes. This is the dumbest scam ever, yet evidently it is somehow working.
Ever since I was 14 I have been under the apparently mistaken impression that only elderly folk and dummies fall for these things but judging by the news this scam is making, it turns out America is even dumber than I thought. Before I run down a quick list of handy how-not-to-get-phone-scammed-
TIP #1 – THE IRS WILL MAIL YOU FIRST. As crazy as this may sound, the IRS doesn’t sit around all day hoping people will answer their phone so they can inform them they owe back taxes. As it is half of this country doesn’t pay taxes, imagine trying to get half the country on the phone every year: “hey there IRS calling! Just wanted to remind you that you owe us lots of money! But before we go through all the official paperwork we just wanted to give you this courtesy call!”
TIP #2 – JUST BECAUSE THEY KNOW PERSONAL INFORMATION DOES NOT MEAN THEY’RE OFFICIALS. Most people who have been scammed claim the caller knows credit card numbers, phone numbers, and even the last four digits of their social security numbers. This can mean only one thing – the scammers must have (gulp) internet access! Possibly even a search engine. Is nothing sacred anymore?
TIP #3 – ASSHOLES ARE ALLOWED TO USE GOOGLE EARTH. If they claim to know the color of your house or car it can mean only one thing: these bastards are using that internet access they have brazenly harnessed to Google shit. Next they’ll be able to tell what you posted on Facebook, even though your posts are private now! Does the thievery ever end?
TIP #4 – ANYTHING CAN BE HACKED. This is the world we live in folks, there is a price to pay for watching funny kitty-cat videos and German fecophilia porn split screen while Skype-ing your mom. All things on these here interwebs can be hacked into. The god damn NSA was hacked. Therefore it shouldn’t be that much of a revelation that these shysters can hack into phone lines causing your caller ID to say things like “IRS.” Hacking phones in 2014 is to hacking what taking candy from a stupid baby is to taking candy from a baby.
TIP #5 – ANYONE CAN MAKE A LOGO. Some people are claiming they were sent emails with official IRS logos. Sweet Jesus, it sounds like these culprits have mastered google image as well. How did they get so good at googling?
TIP #6 – THE IRS WILL NOT CALL AND THREATEN YOU. Reports range from people being told their bank accounts will be frozen, their passports and driver’s license will be suspended, property will be seized, they will be blacklisted in regards to credit, and of course arrested and prosecuted. Now, despite their propensity to act like it at times, the government is not the mafia. Tommy Two-Fingers is not going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay up. The U.S. government doesn’t waste time threatening its citizens, they just assassinate them with drones – or in this case they give you a date to pay-up and if you don’t, they simply do all of those aforementioned things. (Except the bit about the drones – that’s just for Arab-Americans.)
TIP #7 – THE GOVERNMENT ACCEPTS ALL KINDS OF MONEY. The scammers are telling people they need to pay using pre-paid debit cards or wire transfers. Hmmmm, are you buying drugs? Funding terrorism? Sending money to someone destitute? Well, these are the three acceptable scenarios for using pre-paid debit cards and wires. You don’t pay your taxes at Western Union. “Hey bro, it’s me the government. I’m in a jam I lost my wallet at the airport. Can you wire that $20,000 you owe me from Skype-ing your mom from my house all those times?”
So let’s recap, a bunch of people based in Jamaica are calling Americans and telling them they owe money to the IRS and if they don’t pay immediately they will face jail, but payment must be made by pre-paid debit or wire, and are scaring them into doing so by telling them stuff about themselves. This con has netted approximately one million dollars.
Only in America, with all of our money and vast stupidity could something like this work. I don’t know about you, but I never answer my phone if it’s a number that’s not in my contacts. Private number? Fuck off. Out of state or international call? Fuck off. IRS? Fuck off. See how this works? Most people avoid these scams by having a brain and not talking to strangers on the phone. However enough people have been roped into this that the Treasury Dept. had to make a statement about it. If someone calls me at work I say “tell them to go fuck themselves and never call me here again regardless of who they are” (sorry mom). Embrace these simple pointers and I promise you’ll never be phone scammed.
Phew, now I feel I’ve done my patriotic duty by writing this expose for people who may not be all that tech-savvy, and posting it on the internet. This concludes a test of the emergency moron system.
Article By: Anthony Schiano
