Working out is a must. Being in great shape is good for your health, it lengthens your life, it helps prevent illnesses, and let’s face it, it helps get you laid. The benefits are practically endless. Like anything else in life, however, you can get too much of a good thing. When that thing is fitness related it happens to make you a huge tool. Let’s start with the fitness nut. The fitness nut rides his bike to work. Is work not terrible enough? Is sitting in a cubicle for eight hours a day not soul sucking enough for you? Is it absolutely necessary for you to add sitting in sweaty disgusting clothes all day at your desk to the list of things that suck about your life? There is no reason to bike to work. You look like a tool riding on a damn bike with your stupid GAP khakis on with your idiotic helmet. Be a man, get in your car, and sit in rush hour traffic like everybody else, ok pal? You’re not impressing anybody. If you want to bike before work this is acceptable, after work is also acceptable, but never to or from work. If I ever see you I will likely pull alongside you and push you off your bike into some nearby shrubbery. I hope it has thorns. The fitness nut takes it way further than the biking to work thing though. It seems as if they are always running somewhere. Calm down Forrest, how many miles can one run in a day? If you look in your closet and most of your wardrobe consists of Under Armour shirts and brightly colored Nike sneakers then you’ve gone way too far. Also, make sure your diet consists of more than Clif bars and Smart Water. These are great but how many people wished they would have eaten more weird granola bars on their deathbed? Here is my biggest problem with fitness nuts and I’m going to catch heat for this. Stop training for the marathon. You have zero chance of winning. A guy from Kenya is going to win. What in the name of all that is holy is the damn point of a marathon? I never understood training so hard for something you know you have zero percent chance of winning. And this isn’t even a Rocky Balboa “I’m definitely gonna lose to Apollo so I just wanna go the distance” type of situation either because there is no prize. If you really want to run 26 miles just run 26 miles. It can be done at any time, day or night, from any starting point to any ending point. You can do it all on your terms. But ah, I get it, you want people to see you don’t you, you sneaky bitch? You want to say you had that number thing your chest and be able to say that you did it. Real men don’t need other people to see their accomplishments. The fact that they did it and they know it is good enough for them. Stop running yourself past healthy and into a heart attack and run for yourself. Stop worrying about what others see or what others perceive you as. That’s why these are personal goals because they don’t need to be shared with others. Okay, moving on, let’s move on to the overzealous weightlifters. You might be wondering what the difference is between a fitness nut and an overzealous weightlifter. The differences are huge my friend. The fitness nut usually exercises for health purposes and might not lift weights at all. Many of them have this really weird skinny but untoned look that gives their body the look of a cross between a roasted chicken and a pre-pubescent kid. Overzealous weightlifters spend as many hours of their day as possible in the gym. Their life revolves around it. Their job, family, sex life, social life, and everything else comes in second. The priority is lifting weights. The bigger they get, the happier they are. They live to be the biggest guy in the room and have people notice it. In case you can’t tell by their massive size the overzealous weightlifter is the guy in the gym who lets out screams and grunts while bench-pressing. The occasional grunt on the last rep of a set is acceptable but if you sound like you’re giving birth to twins then you’re doing too much. The gym staff might run over to you to see how far apart your contractions are. He’s also likely wearing a terribly douchey gym outfit and staring at himself in the mirror while he flexes his so tan they’ve become orange muscles. Also, look for skinny legs, a huge upper body and chicken legs are a sure sign of an overzealous weightlifter. They can also be seen doing a cardio workout that consists of walking on the treadmill at the slowest possible speed for about four minutes. An overzealous weightlifter talks about nothing but lifting weights. He’ll yap about “blasting his delts” and “whaling on his pecs” for hours and never get bored. The funny thing about this as a lifestyle is that it basically serves no purpose. It’s not overly healthy to be that big even if it is mostly muscle and it’s a look that not every chick is into. Don’t get me wrong, I lift and I love it but it does not rule my life and my apartment isn’t filled with pictures of men in thongs who are oiled up and flexing. Being this big may seem to make a man out of somebody but most times it’s probably just a disguise for a shitty or non existent personality or an extreme lack of actual confidence. Some other ways to tell if a guy is an overzealous weightlifter is if he is eating foods in public like a bunch of bananas or peanut butter out of Tupperware. The bottom line is this guys, a person should lift and run to get a trim, toned physique and achieve optimal health as well as the status of being a real man. Remember, lift and run but make time for sex, movies, and the occasional double quarter pounder with cheese.
Article By: Jon DaBove
