Halloween is coming and if you’re not watching horror movies this week you’re no fun. Stop being pretentious.
Horror movies can be divided into three categories. The first is the worst, most insane kinds of films that feature graphic imagery that will scar you for life and possibly cause psychological trauma. The second is the opposite end of the spectrum, movies that are funny or goofy or corny. They might be comedies or have a so-bad-it’s-good quality or general moments of levity to offset the gore. The third lies somewhere in between, a horror movie that takes itself seriously but isn’t revolting or vomitus. You won’t see films like “Jaws” (1975) or “Ghostbusters” (1984) or “Irréversible” (2002) on these lists, because – duh – they’re not horror films. So here’s a look at the top-10 films in each category I mentioned above.
The 30 best horror movies of all-time: CATEGORY 3 (Horror flicks that are serious yet will not offend you with appalling images.)
Honorable Mentions: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, THE THING, ROSEMARY’S BABY, CARRIE, THE OMEN, THE BIRDS, PUMPKINHEAD, ALIEN, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, EYES WITHOUT A FACE.
10. DAS CABINET DE DR. CALIGARI (The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari) (1920) – Roger Ebert called this silent classic “the first true horror film.” Director Robert Wiene creates unforgettable imagery by distorting the world into jagged edges and sharp angles making for an eerie, unsettling vibe and a unique look that is still scary almost a century later. It is the first example of German Expressionism in film, and the first movie to have what we now call a twist ending. The plot revolves around a murder investigation leading to the belief that the title character has compelled the killer using hypnosis.
9. NOSFERATU, EINE SYMPHONIE DES GRAUENS (Nosferatu, A Symphony of Horror) (1922) – The first vampire film is another example of the German Expressionist Movement. The German producers could not obtain the rights to Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” so they just changed the names and other details. After the widow of Stoker sued the producers most copies of the film were destroyed, luckily not all. Max Schreck’s brilliant turn as Count Orlock is an inspiration to everyone who has played Dracula afterward. While the film might not be scary by today’s standards, F.W. Murnau’s use of light and shadows while filming has become legend, and led to one of the most iconic scenes in the history of film.
8. THE FLY (1986) – The original version from 1958 starring Vincent Price is a classic that definitely deserves your attention, especially if you like the remake. The original is a little more on the silly side and nowhere near as scary as its successor, but has one of the most unforgettable endings in movie history. The remake is a gut-wrenching heartbreaker of a film that presents an idea so horrible by the end of the movie you feel like your brain has been defiled. The movie also offers a rare chance to see Jeff Goldblum in a serious role. Director David Cronenberg’s ability to combine gore with very strong character development makes this a cut above the rest.
7. THE EXORCIST (1973) – I assume some people will scoff at the idea of ranking this film so low, but almost every film ahead of it either was more technically groundbreaking in its cinematography, had better effects, and/or better stands the test of time. Plus this is an arbitrary list. The point is, obviously, no list of the best horror films ever made is complete without the William Friedkin classic. While it’s nowhere near as scary as it was in 1973, it still packs a punch. Based on the “true” story of the last Catholic-sanctioned exorcism in the U.S., a mother seeks the help of two priests to expel the demon from her possessed daughter. There are great characters and some truly gruesome scenes. When it was released it made a generation of movie-goers crap their pants, and was regarded in its time to be the scariest movie ever. It was also the first horror film to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar.
6. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) – Upon its release the film was banned in several countries and dropped from many American theatres due to complaints about its violence. It is amazing how what is considered offensive by one generation is blasé to the next. If you compare this movie to the ones listed in CATEGORY 1 it seems like “Mary Poppins,” nonetheless its violence was shocking for its time. The story is simple enough – a family of psycho cannibals hunt five vacationing friends. Director Tobe Hooper created a classic on an extremely low budget, and filmed a lot of the movie including the harrowing final scene in the daylight making for a uniquely aesthetic look to all the horror. The film never lets up and it is because of that intensity and relentlessness that the daylight scenes seem so disorienting. It also introduces Leatherface – one of the great horror movie villains and culminates with one of the most jaw-dropping endings you’ll ever see.
5. THE SHINING (1980) – It deviates far from the Stephen King novel, but Stanley Kubrick’s retelling is nothing short of a masterpiece. Never has the story of a man’s decent into madness been so hauntingly and unnervingly told. We are presented with a confounding case of unreliable narrators, eerie ghosts/hallucinations, and madness confined allowing its energies to slowly deteriorate everyone and everything. And Jack Nicholson. Kubrick, who was notoriously hard to work with, made the actors repeat scenes ad nauseam. The cast is contemptuous of their director and it’s obvious on-screen. Shelley Duvall stated that working with Kubrick was “almost unbearable” and Nicholson vowed to never work with him again. In this case Kubrick’s tact worked to perfection, making the characters uncertainty and unease reverberate off the screen and into the audience’s psyche. While it doesn’t quite rank as the best Halloween horror movie, it is the best overall film on this list.
4. FRANKENSTEIN (1931) – One of the most enduring horror classics adapted by James White from the seminal Mary Shelley novel. A mad scientist steals body parts from cadavers to create a monster. The well-written script frightens with ideas rather than images and gags. The film, like the novel, explores all kinds of ideas such as man playing God, the fine line between genius and madness, the subconscious male need to compete with females reproductively, the existential need for companionship, the fear of abandonment, class warfare, etc. and packs it all into 70 minutes. Boris Karloff’s brilliant turn as the monster manages to convey humility and create the scariest sympathetic character ever. If you like this flick check out the sequel “The Bride of Frankenstein” (1935) which many argue is superior. And now for some trivia: the Monster is not named Frankenstein. The name of the mad scientist played by Colin Clive (“It’s alive, it’s alive!”) is Dr. Frankenstein and he creates Frankenstein’s Monster or the Monster. Also, Bela Lugosi (who played Dracula in the first talkie version of the Bram Stoker classic which was also released in 1931) was offered the part of the Monster but turned it down. After the success of “Frankenstein” Karloff was cast as the Mummy, meaning if Lugosi hadn’t turned down the role he would have been the original actor to portray Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and the Mummy.
3. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) – *This synopsis contains spoilers, if there can be such a thing for a film that was released 46 years ago.* Although “White Zombie” (1932) starring Bella Lugosi was technically the first zombie movie, “Night of the Living Dead” is the first to portray zombies as we know them today. If you enjoy this flick you must check out the phenomenal sequel “Dawn of the Dead” (1974). In the original a group of people are trapped in a farmhouse as the dead rise from the grave…and they’re hungry. This film was released right before the rating system came into play, meaning many very young children were dropped off at the theatre by their parents on the weekend to see graphic images of intestines being eaten and a zombie child murdering her mother. George A. Romero’s debut film was shot on a very low budget which turned out to be a positive. Its gritty look lends a sense of reality as a cast of compelling characters are confined adding a claustrophobic element to the terror. The film also contains one of the forgotten classic lines in film history: “Are they slow-moving, chief?” “Yeah, they’re dead.” The crowning achievement of this movie is its subtle social and political commentary on race, made more poignant when you realize it was released months after the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. The only true hero is an African-American who is unceremoniously killed by a gang of rednecks. To say this movie is ahead of its time would be a vast understatement.
2. HALLOWEEN (1978) – *More spoilers.* John Carpenter essentially began the slasher-horror film genre with this flick. All the other faceless slasher villains like Jason and Freddy were inspired by the one and only Michael Myers. So much of what Carpenter did in this film has become cliché, but “Halloween” is the first time the techniques were used, and have since been copied countless times. A great example is a scene in which Myers grabs someone by the throat and lifts him up, slamming him into the wall. The camera then cuts to the victim’s feet, dangling helplessly a foot above the ground. You’ve seen this shot a million times, but Carpenter pioneered it. The movie scares without showing much blood at all, and has a palpable tension throughout. Carpenter creates this tension with another tact that has been copied many times. He establishes that Myers is near, and then the camera pans in another direction and sticks with the shot for minutes. The audience slips off the edge of their seat knowing Myers is right around the corner, and when he appears it’s always a chilling experience. Myers is also one of the spookiest looking of all movie bad guys, and his description in the film as the boogie man could not be more apt. There might be some films listed here that are better overall, but for a Halloween horror show this is as good as it gets. The opening scene, shot from a first-person viewpoint is arguably the best opening sequence in the history of film. In the trivia department it is the film debut of Jamie Lee-Curtis, and the Myers mask is actually a $2 Captain Kirk Star Trek mask painted white. The small budget forced the decision on the mask and the look became iconic.
1. PSYCHO (1960) – Alfred Hitchcock is the master of suspense, and nobody does it better. Much like the works of Shakespeare, when this film was released it was dismissed as smut, especially coming from a filmmaker who had made so many classic pictures. However, today most view Hitchcock as the greatest filmmaker ever, and it is his exploration into odd themes and experiments like this film and “The Birds” (1963) – which almost made this list – that make him a legend. A troubled woman hides out at the infamous Bates Motel, Anthony Perkins delivers a wildly unnerving performance, the famous “shower scene,” the brilliant Bernard Herrmann score, the first time a toilet is ever shown flushing on film, and the what-the-fuck ending make this the greatest horror film of all-time hands down.
CATEGORY 2 (Horror-comedies, either intentionally or not.)
Honorable Mentions: RE-ANIMATOR, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN, IDLE HANDS, TOKYO GORE POLICE, SEED OF CHUCKY, CABIN IN THE WOODS, ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES!, CANNIBAL WOMEN IN THE AVOCADO JUNGLE OF DEATH.
10. SHARKNADO (2013) – If you missed the bus on this one because you don’t have Twitter or are prone to rolling your eyes at stuff you consider below you, it’s your loss. When a film is made with the explicit intention to be awful and it works, becoming one of those so-bad-it’s-good cult-classics, it’s an experience like no other. Much like John Carpenter’s “Big Trouble in Little China” (1986) this film makes no pretense of grounding itself anywhere close to reality, and that’s why it’s brilliant. Starring Steve from “Beverly Hills 90210,” Tara Reid (yes, she’s still alive!) and John Heard. It has no underlying message or exploitative qualities, it’s just good messy fun. It’s so obviously stupid that if you say it’s stupid you’re stupid. It’s a tornado made of sharks. Fin.
9. KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988) – The title is pretty much self-explanatory other than why the word clowns is misspelled. There’s not much plot and it’s really not that scary either, but it is gruesome and hysterical. Much like “Sharknado” it is unapologetically absurd, never even making the slightest attempt to ground its story in reality. It’s just a bunch of Bozos from outer space that eat people while paying homage to “The Blob” (1958). As the original poster says “IT’S CRAAZZY!”
8. THE TROLLENBERG TERROR (The Crawling Eye) (1958) – Here’s how this was advertised when it was released as a six part serial in England for BBC TV in 1956: “Giant, tentacled eyeballs from outer space use their alien powers to reanimate corpses and send zombies to murder telepathic earthlings!” This is a hilariously bad film, right down to the obviously paper mâché heads and unhidden wires moving the tentacles around. Toss in British actors taking their roles seriously and you’ve got all kinds of awesomeness.
7. SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004) – This one is actually trying to be a comedy and it thoroughly succeeds. Simon Pegg co-writes and stars as the hapless title character who decides to try and turn his life around on the day the dead rise from their graves to eat everyone. It is director and co-writer Edgar Wright’s breakthrough film, launching his career which currently finds him heading the adaptation of the Marvel Comics hero Ant-Man starring Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas. This movie achieved cult-classic status almost immediately because it’s super funny and tells the story of an everyman becoming a hero. If you love zombie movies it’s a must-see.
6. TEETH (2007) – Finally a horror film for feminists. A young woman is going through that awkward phase of adolescence and is committed to abstinence. A very well written script by director Michael Lichtenstein explores the power of female sexuality, incest, rape, and how dumb guys are when they want to get laid. On top of that it’s an uproarious comedy about a girl with teeth in her vagina.
5. GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH (1990) – While “Gremlins” (1984) is the first and without a doubt the best family-friendly horror-comedy, the sequel is all kinds of zany. The original gremlins are much scarier-looking and more violent whereas the new batch are interested in black comedy and mischievous hijinks. Instead of a social commentary on consumerism intelligently imbedded into an entertaining monster movie, the sequel is more interested in parody – satirizing the gamut of the horror genre. It makes for the best satire because it doesn’t posture itself as being too cool to also make fun of itself. Also, it’s rated PG-13 unlike the original which is PG. When the MPAA created the PG-13 rating they cited “Gremlins” as one of the examples of why it was necessary. The fact that Joe Dante made both movies shows a combination of talent, originality, and self-deprecating humor that is extremely rare in Hollywood.
4. DEAD ALIVE (Braindead) (1992) – A young man’s overbearing mother is bitten by a rat-monkey and turns into a zombie. She then goes on the hunt zombifying everyone she bites. The black comedy is made even funnier because nothing looks real and each scene seems to be trying to be gorier than the last, making this easily the most grotesque film of Category 2. The final scene is one of the grossest sequences in film history. The best part about all the mayhem is comprehending that the movie was made by Peter Jackson, who would later go on to win Oscars for making the Lord of the Rings movies.
3. TROLL 2 (1990) – This is, without a doubt, the worst movie of all-time. The pinnacle of a so-bad-it’s-good film is so bad it defies comprehension. It contains the worst acting, directing, cinematography, set design, costume design, lighting, effects, narration, plot and dialogue in film history. It doesn’t even have anything to do with trolls. The word troll is never uttered; instead the monsters are clearly described as being goblins, coming from the town of Nilbog (goblin spelled backwards). The eureka-moment when the boy figures out that Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards is so mind-numbingly bad it makes you explode with laughter. The goblin costumes are so ridiculously awful there are cheap Halloween costumes that look infinitely more realistic, and their faces are frozen to one look. The young boy who is the only one to realize what’s going on is inexplicably treated like shit by his parents, including a scene in which he is clearly violently ill and complaining of stomach pains yet his mother tells him to shut up so his dad can enjoy shopping. The movie isn’t even really a sequel to “Troll” (1986), the filmmakers just wanted to capitalize on the name (of a film that grossed $5 million). Unsurprisingly, the cast of the film showed up to audition as extras and were given lead roles. The film was made by an imbecile named Claudio Fragasso who to this day remains bitter about how the film is viewed. He once was ejected from an event in which the actors were holding a meet-and-greet with fans for becoming hostile and screaming that the cast were “liars” and “dogs.” Fragasso, and his wife who wrote the film, do not speak English and so the film had to be translated from Italian. The translations were so bad the actors suggested ad-libbing but Fragasso refused, leading to many gems such as the “Oh my god! scene” which is immortalized on YouTube. The cast remains very good-natured about the movie especially George Hardy who is known to call fans on their birthday.
2. EVIL DEAD 2 (1987) – Very few filmmakers are capable of accomplishing what Sam Raimi did with this film. He followed a cult-classic by making another cult-classic. His original flick “The Evil Dead” (1981) has a perfect combination of scares and laughs. The 16mm film certainly made for a B-movie look but ultimately added to the effect by making the movie look real. The semi-sequel had a way bigger budget and Raimi poured all the scratch into the effects. Wildly excessive slapstick gore makes this movie equal parts shocking and hysterical. There is so much blood and guts, such insanely over-the-top gore that you can’t help but laugh. You can sense how fun everyone is having making the film, especially lead actor Bruce Campbell. It’s a very fast-paced film, and the violence is so ridiculous you can’t take anything serious even for a second – which is obviously the point. The two movies make for a fantastic midnight double-feature, but the second is the greatest B-movie horror-comedy ever made.
1. ZOMBIELAND (2009) – It’s the zombie apocalypse and Jesse Eisenberg’s character Columbus is forced to team up with Tallahassee, a glorious lunatic played to perfection by Woody Harrelson, who amidst the chaos is searching for the world’s last Twinkie. Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin are pitch-perfect as well, and toss-in the greatest cameo in film history by national treasure Bill Murray, and you have the greatest ensemble acting performance ever seen in a horror film. There’s plenty of blood and guts, but what sets this film apart is an action-packed, superbly written script by Rhett Reece and Paul Wernick that makes for one of the funniest movies you’ll ever see. It’s not a cult-classic, it’s an all-time classic.
WARNING: PROCEED WITH CAUTION CATEGORY 1 (Movies that will fuck you up. They will rip open your brain, take a shit in it, sew it back shut and then rape the wound with a steel, spiked dildo before finally ejaculating urine-cum into your nostrils whilst skinning you alive. If that last sentence offended you, do not watch these movies. Smiley emoticon.)
Honorable Mentions: FRONTIERS, HAUTE TENSION, NEKROMANTIK, BATTLE ROYALE, C’EST ARRIVE PRES DE CHEZ VOUS, BAISE-MOI, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, HATE CRIME, IMPRINT, À L’INTÉRIEUR.
*Most of these reviews contain spoilers because the content is so graphic. We at MensMagDaily recommend you do not watch these movies in short order or with children present. This is not a disclaimer meant to spook you or a cheesy way to make my list sound cool. These movies are really, really fucked up.*
10. SUSPIRIA (1977) – There are much more violent films in the honorable mentions group above, but I list this at #10 because unlike most of these flicks “Suspiria” is actually a fantastic movie. A sadistically beautiful assault on the senses by maestro Dario Argento, this film is expertly shot creating one of the most unique viewing experiences you’ll ever see. The story is about a woman who soon realizes the prestigious ballet school she’s attending is a front for a coven. The occult occurrences are anything but subtle, and this film is nothing less than a piece of art. If this one turns you off, do not proceed further down the list.
9. AUDITION (1999) – This film starts out normal enough, with the first half playing like a love story. A lonely man holds a fake audition in the hopes of finding the girl of his dreams. Out of nowhere the movie turns on a dime. We learn the woman has been harmed by many men in her life and has a plan to exact revenge on each one of them. Some of the torture scenes might make you throw up.
8. STOIC (2009) – A group of prisoners are playing poker and the loser is forced to eat a tube of toothpaste. Then drink urine and eat feces. Then it becomes an orgy of sorts including a scene in which the man is sodomized with a broomstick before having the blood and shit smeared on his face and in his mouth. Yum.
7. GROTESQUE (2009) – A couple is abducted and tortured by a madman. At first, the sexual degradation and violent humiliation he inflicts seem stomach-churning enough and then, somehow, it gets worse. Each part of the body is mutilated/dismembered in ways that will literally make you feel for the victims. Once it gets going, it just won’t quit.
6. SALÒ O LE 120 GIORNATE DI SODOMA (Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom) (1975) – Four Italian politicians decide to start their own government of sorts. They put together a small army which kidnaps children to be used for the politicians’ twisted amusement. They are treated like animals, abused with feces, scalped, mutilated and maimed. The movie is so relentless I found myself at times out of breath. I watched the film years ago and still vividly remember the entire thing. It will scar you for life, if you have the stomach and sadomasochistic bend to see it through. It’s based on the Marquis de Sade’s “120 Days of Sodom” and is the most graphic exploration of the depravity of man ever captured on film.
5. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST (1980) – This movie is so violent that director Ruggero Deodato was arrested and forced to prove in court via his actors that he did not make a snuff film. The movie is about a professor who finds reels of film left behind by a crew that went missing while making a documentary about cannibals in the Amazon. The atrocities include impaling, rape, sodomy, dismemberment, a woman having her fetus ripped out and real-life animal slaughter. To be honest, that’s only about 40% of the kinds of abject horror that takes place in this film. You can tell by the title what else happens.
4. GUINEA PIG: FLOWER OF FLESH AND BLOOD (1985) – The Guinea Pig films are a series of Japanese horror movies made in the ’80’s and ’90’s. This one is particularly infamous for being mistaken as a snuff film. After Charlie Sheen viewed the movie he contacted the FBI, leading to the arrest of the filmmakers who had to prove their innocence in court. The plot is rather simple: a man kidnaps a woman and dismembers her – into really small pieces. The movie is garbage, the worst on the list. Lots of this stuff is perverted, but this movie has no underlying message and no point. Most of these torture-porn flicks on this list are at least an exploration of an idea. This movie is just vapid sadism for the sake of vapid sadism. But holy shit it’s as violent and gruesome as any “film” could ever possibly be – and that’s what this here list is about.
3. MARTYRS (2008) – New wave French Extremism at its best (worst). Explaining the convoluted plot is unnecessary other than after a bunch of sickeningly horrific things happen, two women are taken into a dungeon and tortured in an effort to produce martyrs. The film is of the highest quality with cinematography that is Oscar-worthy (not that any member of the academy would ever watch it.) It’s basically comprised of brutal, relentless torture of every practicable kind – imaginable and unimaginable. All the films preceding this one are rough, but from here on we’ve entered a whole new level of insanity. You will never, ever forget this film.
2. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2: FULL SEQUENCE (2011) – If you saw the first one and said “OK, I don’t need to see any more of that” you have absolutely no fucking idea how right you are. By comparison, the sequel makes “The Human Centipede: First Sequence” (2009) look like a run-of-the-mill gore-fest à la “Saw” or “Hostel.” The second installment is about a guy who is obsessed with the first film, literally at one point salivating over it. He sets out to make a 12-person centipede but unlike the villain in the original, lacks any medical knowledge. Teeth are smashed, knees are snapped, lips are stapled to assholes, and general sexual deviancy ensues. Seeing digestive tracts being connected by someone with no clue what he’s doing is staggeringly brutal. The few times the movie cracks a joke it simply angers you. It is infinitely more grotesque than the first, and it literally made me vomit. I shudder to think what Tom Six has in store for part three.
1. A SERBIAN FILM (2010) – Don’t watch this movie. Really. A fucking newborn baby gets raped. A penis gets shoved into an eye socket and down a throat. Necrophilia. Slow decapitation. It’s banned in numerous countries for a reason. If you watch it you will feel dirty because you are a horrible person and are a danger to society. Happy mother-fucking Halloween.
Article By: Anthony Schiano
