Go into any bar in any big city and stand there for a while. You’ll hear men ordering drinks that should only be had on a beach in a tropic locale. It’s gotten to the point where if a guy orders vodka with any assortment of fruit juices he’s considered manly. This is definitely not the case. Men are pretty limited in what we should be drinking. If you’re in the market for a mixed drink stick to the classics like an Old Fashioned, a Gibson, or a Martini. These are all manly, stiff drinks that will put some hair on your chest. Also, no woman in the club will have any idea what you’re drinking. But she will know it looks classy and at one point in the evening one woman will inquire as to what it is. You take it from there; I can’t do it all for you buddy. If you at any point find yourself at the bar ordering any drink that has the words coconut or peach in it something is amiss. You should find your friends immediately and seek guidance. The key to drinking like a man is finding your drink. This will take some time, you’ll have to experiment, and it’s a process but you’ll get there. You’ll either end up as a clear liquor guy (vodka, rum) or a dark liquor guy (whiskey, cognac). Either one is fine and it’s dependent upon a lot of things. For example, dark liquor tends to put me in a calm, somber mood which isn’t what I’m looking for if I’m out on the town. Clear liquor, on the other hand, puts me in a fun, energetic mood. Once you determine which kind of guy you are, clear or dark, you’ll start to realize you like certain brands more than others. This is completely up to the individual and really has no rhyme or reason behind it. While Johnnie Walker red is the lower end of the JW collection, I know many avid scotch drinkers who prefer it to JW black, gold, green or blue. Some guys love Canadian Club but don’t like Glenlivet. In many cases, it comes down to price. A man will have his “staple” brand which is what he drinks when he just feels like a drink and then he’ll have a couple of brands in his head for when he’s out and wants to step his game up. When it comes to clear liquor, chances are you’re going to be a vodka drinker. Vodka is a neutral spirit which means it really has no taste. Nobody ever found notes of light apple with a touch of hickory in a bottle of Grey Goose. What you’re looking for with Vodka is smoothness. You don’t want it to be like drinking rubbing alcohol. If you are a vodka guy stick with Stoli, Ciroc, Grey Goose, Belvedere, and a couple of other top shelf brands. Stay away from cheap vodka because it will leave you with a hangover that would make Mickey Mantle stay in bed. As you can see, being a clear liquor guy is much easier. When you’re a dark liquor guy you’re dealing with different cognacs and then if you’re a whiskey man you have ages, blends, single malt, Bourbon, and the list literally goes on and on. There are many very good whiskeys out there. While in this process, you might just discover that you’re a beer guy and that’s good. In the 1950’s you’d be considered a sissy but it’s 2014 so we’re all good. If you’re into beer drink something good. There are tons of great craft beers out there but don’t be a bitch about it. There’s something about a guy who raves about craft beer that is very annoying, like seriously annoying. If all of this sounds like too much for you then sit down and have a ginger ale Mary because this is how you drink like a man. Now, the final step is this. We’ve discussed what you should drink and what doesn’t exactly makes you a man’s man (yes I’m looking at you screwdriver guy) but now we need to talk about drinks that no man should ever drink under any circumstances. If you’re at brunch, and mind you there’s really no reason for you to be at brunch, but let’s say you’re girlfriend dragged you, you should not be drinking a mimosa. If you are, immediately throw the champagne flute across the room and order yourself a strong Bloody Mary. If you find yourself drinking anything blue then you should frantically run around the room and ask anybody if they have seen your balls. Also, any shot that has a name like fuzzy navel, your sister’s tit, whatever, you shouldn’t be drinking it, or anything that comes in a test tube. I hope all of this goes without saying. And finally, and I can’t stress this is enough, there is never any reason, I mean any reason for you to drink a Cosmo. Before you know it, you’ll be calling yourself the name of a character from Sex and the City and trying on high heels. If you’re ever drinking one I hope you have a good enough friend who will realize what is happening and break the glass on the bar and stab you with it. Alright guys, that’s pretty much it. It’s really not that hard to drink like a man. You’ve just got to stick with it and stay away from Hpnotiq and any flavored martinis. Happy drinkin’.
Article By: Jon DaBove
