When LeBron James left the Cavs in 2010 Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cavs) wrote a letter in the tone of a high school cheerleader who just got dumped by the quarterback before homecoming. The letter included some top-notch whining and lots of vacuous caviling about James leaving. It was sad and pathetic and awesome. I guess LeBron didn’t take it too personal because he is a Cavalier once more – but that doesn’t mean we can’t revisit this jumble of grumblings and laugh at it one more time.
It starts out sounding all professional and stuff, as if it were actually written by a CEO:
Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight:
Ok so he’s a little obsessed with capitalization but you know how CEO’s think everything they have to say is so amazing and important – so I assume he did this to get your Attention. Gilbert (like most CEO’s) hates it when nobody makes believe they are listening to his self-righteous bullshit. He also appears to think he owns a soccer club as he calls Cav fans “supporters.”
Next comes the intro/reason for writing the letter:
As you know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.
He’s quickly changed his obsession from capitalization to commas but remains professional to this point. Nonetheless you can tell by the tone and the unnecessary pausing that the whining is about to begin.
And so it begins:
This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably entertainment.
Right we all agree the TV special was silly but it wasn’t James’ idea, it was the brainchild of douche bag extraordinaire Jim Gray and LeBron’s PR people, and a person like Gilbert knows that – but why let facts get in the way of a good tirade? You can also almost envision Gilbert making air-quotes with his fingers as he proof-read this allowed to himself in as snarky a tone as possible, slowing down to over-annunciate the words in quotes. You know he was real proud of himself for the “witness” pun too. (At the time a Nike advertisement campaign put up billboards of James with the word WITNESS emblazoned across them.) Also, if you’ve ever seen professional wrestling, this was not unlike anything ever seen in entertainment at all.
Gilbert goes on:
Clearly this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.
Clearly.
The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
When I read that last bit the voice in my head reads it in the voice of a used car salesman: “over here at your hometown Cavalier Kia dealership!” Plus I love the double-negative “nor NEVER” – so you’ll always betray us? You swine! But I have never betrayed you, Dan, nor will I EVER.
There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating more of that to you.
Now, I don’t want to come off like an annoying grammar policeman but what the hell is that comma doing in there, huh?
Q: What’s MORE than exciting? A: The future of the LeBron-less Cavs! Well maybe not but maybe!
You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.
True, if you live in Cleveland you’ve already been through enough.
You have given so much and deserve so much more.
In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:
He already made like eight statements but I digress at this point. This is also where it gets really good:
“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE.”
You can take that to the bank.
Should I cash it? If that last passage didn’t make you laugh I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty weekend, because that is the funniest paragraph ever scripted. This passage also has an interesting double-whammy of egotism as not only does Danny-boy CEO switch his grammatical obsession back to capitalization in case you weren’t listening to his all-important opinion, but he also quotes himself. Is there anything more arrogant than putting quotations around something you yourself say? “No” says the great Anthony Schiano.
If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.
Levels like drafting Anthony Bennett.
Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.
Wait wha? What in holy hell does that even mean?
This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.
So you don’t want them to work really hard until they become expertly skilled at something that allows them to become millionaires and find the best possible workplace to employ their talents while surrounding themselves with other gifted and driven people? Nah you’re right he should’ve been happy just to have the opportunity to play in the NBA much less with the likes of legends such as Zydrunas Ilgauskas and Jamario Moon.
But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.
The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.
Or maybe not.
Just watch.
I did and nope.
Sleep well, Cleveland.
Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….
I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:
Bringing the second-best basketball player ever back to Cleveland the first chance we get!
DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….
Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers
This letter wreaks of self-masturbatory prose written by a billionaire who is experiencing not getting his way for the first time. It’s pithy and adorable. It sounds like it was written by any given pompous CEO who lost at something and isn’t capable of dealing with failure. If you follow politics you know that when billionaires complain they do it in a grand and verbose style, with nary a smidgen of introspection given before the whining, bitching, moaning, and the complaining. Basically, Dan Gilbert is the boss you can’t stand.
In closing, I kid Mr. Gilbert because of the weird reasoning he shares with lots of sports fans. An athlete doesn’t owe you shit. Not you the fan nor you Danny-boy, the owner. Now go keep those promises and find someone who can guard Tim Duncan.
