Tax season is here again and we are all reminded once more of how
awful and inept our government is in general. By now you have probably
muttered “What the hell am I paying all these taxes for?” about a
billion times so here’s your answer. The numbers are the approximate portion of
every $1,000 in income tax collected that are allocated for a given service.
You’ll notice if you add all the numbers together they equal $1,042.90, so the
gub-ment spends about $43 more than they collect per $1,000 collected, because
they are stupid. We the people are also stupid, and instead of electing
accountants and economists capable of balancing a budget we elect imbeciles who
can’t add. These numbers are estimates; opinions not so much.
219.40 – Health Care (Biggest chunk to Medicare); this is so old people don’t
die suffering through horrible painful deaths. We are all A-OK with this.
206.60 – Social Security; I’m 32 years old so I’m pretty sure this is just a
myth. This money is most likely really used to fill the canisters of human
blood Obama must consume each night so that he doesn’t turn into a bat and
start sucking blood directly from citizens.
196.50 – Defense; this money is used to protect us from vengeance-seeking
countries in which we have started illegal wars or murdered innocent civilians
– so basically the rest of the world.
95.20 – More Health Care (Biggest chunk to Medicaid); this is mostly for poor
people who can’t afford insurance. Obama claims this number will shrink when
Obamacare is fully implemented. If it does it would be the first positive thing
our vampire president has done. (C’mon think about it, you know he looks like a
vampire. He even kinda talks like The Count from Sesame St. just with less of
an accent.) A portion of this also goes to programs for less-fortunate
children. (I assume the ones that Obama hasn’t killed with drones yet.)
85.30 – Net Interest; The $43 thing.
44.60 – Education; don’t have kids? Too bad they are society’s burden.
37.00 – Retirement for Federal Workers; I’m going to guess we could probably give them less, but they deserve
something for doing their part to ensure this country remained a shit-show under their watch, amirite?
26.50 – Transportation; Live in a small town? Tough shit, fix my subway.
22.20 – Agriculture/Environment; Obama gave some of this to Monsanto, so they
can use you and your kids as test subjects for GMO’s!
20.30 – Health and Nutritional Programs; Michelle Harker, I mean Obama uses
this to convince fat kids to do jumping jacks and stuff.
17.40 – Disaster Relief; Not for places that are too black like Louisiana
though.
15.40 – Justice Administration; Mostly used to prosecute minorities smoking
weed.
14.40 – Housing Assistance; so you can get a mortgage you can’t really afford
again and our economy can collapse once more by 2016.
13.40 – International Affairs; for policing the world and for diplomacy aimed
at trying to convince other nations that the people we killed deserved to die.
12.70 – Unemployment; Obama extended this so it might cost more.
8.90 – Science; I was unaware the gub-ment thought science was more than just a
“theory.”
6.90 – Government Operations; These fuckers deserve minimum wage, this can
easily be cut in half but no Congressmen would vote to lower their own pay, so
they make six-figures by literally just taking it from you and spending most of
the year not in session or filibustering the future.
3.20 – Domestic Affairs; This sounds like one of those bullshit fees on your
phone bill. “What’s this for, ah screw it it’s only $3.20.”
If you don’t pay all this shit you go to jail. Happy Easter.
Article By: Anthony Schiano
