The one night stand has been heralded as a rite of passage for every guy on the planet. It’s viewed as a man’s introduction to the world of casual sex. Who needs dating or a relationship when you can have sex with a woman you don’t have to spend a dime on, right? Just picture it, you’re at the hottest nightclub in town and you’re feeling good. You look good and you meet yourself a little hottie. She looks great and is dressed to the nines, sexy high heels and all. You buy her a few drinks and before you know it you’re making out with her at the bar and things are getting hot and heavy. She suggests you go back to her place and you’re excited. This means sex, she’s not inviting you up for Parcheesi. You get there and it’s magical. She sits you on the couch while she goes to slip into something more comfortable and a few minutes later comes out in the sexiest lingerie. You proceed to have the hottest sex of your life. You both bask in the afterglow until you fall asleep. She makes you breakfast in the morning and you go on your way, no strings attached. I call bullshit on that entire portrayal of a one night stand. The truth is, one night stands are highly overrated and are usually a terrible waste of time. Here’s what’s really going to happen. You will be at some bar getting drunk with your buddies. At about 2:30 you’ll be shitfaced and you’ll find your way to a chick that in the light of day resembles Gary Busey but because you have on the thickest beer goggles ever she looks like Jennifer Aniston. You two start talking but none of what you’re saying matters because you’re both wasted. You start dancing and that leads to making out. She’ll invite you back to her place and of course you won’t say no. When you get there the kissing will continue and you’ll kiss her neck only to realize it’s salty because she’s been dancing and sweating all night, gross. Clothes will come off and you’ll start getting down to business. You’ll see a few roommates scatter around like roaches at this point. Don’t forget that you’re as drunk as the day is long so you’re performance is going to be less than stellar. After an hour of drunk and subpar sex one of you will eventually fall asleep. It’s all but guaranteed that one of you will wake-up in the middle of the night to throw up, not sexy. You’ll wake up at 9 in the morning wondering where you are with the worst hangover you’ve ever had. You look over at the girl and get startled as she drools all over her mascara stained pillow. You pray with all your might that she doesn’t wake up before you get out. No such luck buddy, she’s going to wake up. When she does, you will have the most awkward conversation in the history of conversations and you’ll exchange numbers. You stumble out the door, regretting every second of the night, and you stumble home. The end. Doesn’t sound so glamorous, does it? That, my friends, is a real life one night stand. Sometimes you’re better off heading home to your Netflix with a sandwich.
Article By: Jon DaBove
