Earlier this week, we received an email from a reader named “BJ”. BJ writes: “Hey Chico. I just started seeing this new girl about two months ago. I thought everything was good but I spoke to my friends and they all hate her. What should I do?”
This is a tricky situation namely because you’re supposed to trust your friends’ opinions. They’re supposed to be looking out for your best interest. And maybe they do have your best interests in mind because your new girlfriend is awful, but you’d think they’d have the courtesy to soften the blow. Maybe not use the word “hate” when discussing your new relationship.
Unfortunately BJ, there’s a lot I don’t know about your current situation with your friends and your new girlfriend to advise you. For example, is your new girlfriend the ex of one of your friends? Because that would explain their hostility towards your new girlfriend. They’ve been down this road before. They know her, presumably better than you know her (otherwise you wouldn’t date her) and they know things don’t bode well for your relationship. And if that’s the case, what the hell are you doing dating your friend’s ex? Don’t you know better than to be getting down with a friend’s ex? That’s a bona fide way to piss off your friends, neighbors, co-workers, dental professionals, therapists, internet bloggers, internet trolls, celebrities and pretty much everyone else.
That said, there are two very common reasons for friends to hate a new girlfriend: blindness and jealousy. I need you to think carefully about which of these apply to you, your friends and your new girlfriend. But first I’ll explain what both of them are.
BLINDNESS is simply the shrugging off or ignoring of faults, annoying habits, etc. because you get to have sex with that person. All faults and imperfections don’t seem the least bit important when you’re having sex for the third time that day. Honestly, I don’t blame you. Who cares if your new girlfriend sucks? The only thing that matters is that she’ll have sex with you. I feel you. I feel you. If the main reason you like your new girlfriend is because she’s a woman that will have sex with you, maybe don’t introduce her to all your friends. Make sure the honeymoon period of the relationship is over since you will not be able to picked up on the annoying habits your friends have undoubtedly already noticed. Hell, here’s a thought. She might even act totally different whenever you’re out of the room.
The point is, your friends see your new girlfriend in a different light than you do. It’s important to hear their perspective but don’t let their assessment of your new girlfriend ruin the new relationship entirely. You’ll just have a fuller understanding of the woman you’re seeing much earlier than one usually gets.
Of course, your blindness might not be the issue. It could be that your friends are just JEALOUS.
No one likes feeling as though they’ve been replaced. If you’ve been spending most of your time with your new girlfriend and thus cancelling on and rarely seeing your friends, then they must certainly feel inadequate and are projecting their hurt feelings on to your new girlfriend. Saying that they hate your new girlfriend could just be a self-defense mechanism. If they can convince you that you also hate your new girlfriend or that there’s something wrong with her, you’ll be back with your boys in no time.
Honestly BJ, the best thing for you to do is to sit down with your friends and have them very plainly explain what it is they don’t like about your new girlfriend. You might be making a huge mistake or they might be selfish. Just hear them out in a civilized manner and make an educated decision based on how you all feel.
Chico Dusty is Sex.com’s resident blogger and sexpert extraordinaire. Check out the Sex.com blog (www.sex.com/news) (NSFW) for more dating/sex tips.