Alright guys, we’ve all been there. You’re with your boys at a bar, the drinks are flowing, the Stones are playing in the background, there’s a few cuties you’re looking to make a move on, and then some drunk asshole has to challenge your manhood. What do you do? Now, we can’t all be Jean Claude Van Damme, bust out the splits and throw ten giant men out of the bar singlehandedly, I mean c’mon lets be realistic. Now I myself have had quite a few experiences where I’ve had to defend myself or the honor of a woman or friend, so I’m gonna shed some light on this highly plausible situation.
First I’ll give you a little background on myself. I’m 5’4’’, loud and very opinionated. Think Joe Pesci in “Goodfellas” and “Casino”. Now while I won’t jab a pen in a man’s throat for telling my friend to “shove it up his ass”, I‘ve had more than my share of scraps. I’ve won some, I’ve lost some. I’ve really won some and I’ve really lost some. I mean I’ve pulled off some action movie worthy acts of baddassery and I’ve also had my face pummeled into the street. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. Most men beat themselves before the other man even gets a chance, and that’s by being afraid. Fear is the number one reason someone gets their ass kicked. I don’t have the hand speed of Sugar Ray Leonard or the power of Julio Cesar Chavez, but what I do have is confidence and a will to not be defeated. Now, it may not always come to this. But you also don’t want to be too confident, that will get you noticed quick, and not in a good way. So here’s a few steps on how to avoid an ass beating.
Laugh It Off. Use Your Wit. So this big gorilla comes up and starts talking incoherent trash talk to you, the smart thing to do is to diffuse the situation with laughter. Now this is NOT backing down, this is you outsmarting him because at this point he isn’t challenging your nuts, he’s challenging your mind. Most of the time a the guy will hurl the generic “oh you’re a faggot” kind of jabs at you. Go with it. A smart, confident man won’t jump into a premature physical altercation. Just take whatever lame insult he says and just say “oh yeah, mm-hmm. You’re 100% right.” Most of the time you’ve confused him and he won’t know what to say, and he’ll more than likely walk away. DISCLAIMER: this method can backfire. If it does, it’s more than likely going to come to throwing blows. So the next part is very important.
Most People Don’t Know How To Fight. The vast majority of the population has never had to come to fisticuffs. So there are a few tried methods to win a physical foray, should it arise.
- The Bill Burr Method. In Bill Burr’s comedy special he talks about how to win a fight and makes some good points. In this method, the other person is the aggressor. So you have to think, 90% of the general population is right handed, so you have to be thinking big looping right hand. And the more drunk they are the more wild the punch, usually it looks like they’re throwing a fast ball, So just block the incoming right with your forearm and then get a good shot to the liver or the ear. Instant pain or disorientation if landed cleanly, and since they’re usually drunk, the chance of you connecting is high. Usually they will go down from this, follow up with subsequent punches to the ear, jaw or liver if needed.
- The Dazed and Confused method. In this method you are the aggressor. Say this person has wronged you in the past, or has been slowly wearing on your nerves and has crossed a line. First let them settle into a good conversation with someone else, let them forget about you. Then, announce yourself in a very public way. (In the film Dazed and Confused the character poured beer on the other’s head.) Let them know you’re here to start some shit. Once you have their attention, focus all your energy on landing one perfect punch then, playing defense until the crown breaks it up. At any social setting there is always a natural instinct not to upset the herd, if you can successfully pull this off you’ll look like Ali. But be warned, you should probably make your exit after this.
- The Mighty Duck Method. Stick. Gloves. Shirt. We’ve all seen The Mighty Ducks 2. The scene where the guy from South central LA teaching the Korean-American Figure skater turned hockey player how to fight, (LOL) is actually a very helpful way to win a fight. First square up. If you notice him looking like he’s about to throw a punch, just throw your drink on the ground (since you don’t have a hockey stick or gloves), grab his shirt, probably an affliction shirt, over his head and throw short, quick punches to his solar plexus or chin. Do it fast and with such a flurry that he has no real way to defend.
Okay so those are some quick tips on how to win a bar fight, but there are some things you need to be wary of.
- Don’t Go To The Ground. No disrespect to the wrestlers and Brazilian jui jitsu practioners, but going to ground is a bad idea in a bar fight. Mainly because once you do, all your attention is on the opponent and any one of his friends can just soccer you in the head without warning. It also creeps from self defense to assault, which brings me to my next point.
- Don’t Overdo It. He’s on the ground and won’t get up. It’s over. Don’t get carried away and end up on trial for aggravated assault. Neutralize the threat and move on. Have some decorum and don’t be an animal. Know when enough is enough.
- Take Some Boxing Or Martial Arts Classes. Learn how to properly defend yourself. I myself have been a student of many different disciplines and I’ve learned something from every one. Don’t assume you can just Van Damme someone right off the bat. Just learning the basics can but you at a huge advantage over most other men.
Take this knowledge and run with it. Don’t ever let someone openly disrespect you . As men, we have a natural instinct to protect our pride and the ones we care about. Don’t be afraid, but don’t overdo it. A man knows when to raise his hand, and when to laugh it off, remember that.
If you do happen to end up on the losing end of a fight, dust yourself off and move on. Don’t let one loss destroy your sense of self.
Article By: Che Rollins
Co-Host: Just Guy Talk Radio